Scott Summers - Cyclops (scott_cyclops) wrote in xmen_journal,
Scott Summers - Cyclops
scott_cyclops
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Scott runs into Logan


Logan: *I don't know when I picked up this weird habit, but I've started prowling around the mansion in the dark, usually aimless and unhurried and deep in thought. I can't sleep much these past few weeks....in fact, the last time I slept very well was the time...Scott was in bed with me. Damn. That's what started this whole insomnia thing in the first place. Although my body wants to continue walking around the mansion for the 1526th time, I suddenly feel mentally exhausted, and like I badly need to sit down somewhere. I find myself wandering into the recreation room and flop down on the sofa, dazedly picking up the remote as if by habit and switching on the TV, my eyes not even registering the image of Jerry Springer on the screen. Damn. Why can't I just stop thinking about Scott and watch this damn show? I sigh as I stretch my legs out, eyes fixed on the screen*

Scott: *I keep watching the numbers click by the on digital clock by my bed. Not like I can sleep anymore, after all the last time I slept was when... Was when I was with Logan. Therein lies my problem. I love--loved, whatever-- Jean and since her death the only person that I think really understands me or has any clue of how I feel is Logan. Which is ok, it's fine, good, great even. Except that I can't manage to stop feeling around him. I can stop feeling sad for a while, but for chrissake's I fucked him. In his own bed. I fucked him and I want to do it again. Fuck. I'm not gay. But Logan... oh this is so fucked up. I throw the sheets back and climb out of bed, intent on going somewhere, anywhere, as long as it's not this room.*

Logan: *I flip channels a few more times, growing increasingly bored and restless until I finally can't take it anymore and switch off the TV quickly, tossing the remote onto the couch and not caring where it lands. Standing up, I stare confusedly into the dark before I finally decide that going to the kitchen and getting something to drink - with or without booze - is a good idea. Without bothering to turn on the lights, I start padding down the corridor when my ears suddenly prick, picking up the sound of footsteps. I tense for a while before I finally pick up the scent...so familiar....Scott. Fuck. I badly want to just see him, but I doubt he would want to see me. Just as I'm about to walk off in the opposite direction, a warm body collides with me and I bump against you in surprise.* Whoa, there, watch where you're going, bub. *I stroke your arms lightly, as if to assure you that it's just me*

Scott: *I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts I don't hear you moving down the corridor and truth be told, if you didn't have your hands on my arms I probably would have fallen flat on my ass.* Logan-- *I clear my throat, wondering why my tongue suddenly feels like it's both too dry and too large to fit in my mouth at the moment* Logan. *Oh, fuck. That's why. Your hands remind me of too many things. Things that make my mouth go dry and leave me needing more of your touch so badly that it physically hurts. And then I say the only thing that my very muddled mind can get out* What are you doing here?

Logan: *You sound almost unrecognisable, since your voice is so hoarse and husky. I let my hands linger a little longer before I reluctantly let you go, stepping back to lean against the wall instead* Couldn't sleep. So i thought I'd walk around, tire myself out. But apparently it doesn't seem to work. *I sigh, looking down at the dark floor as I roll up the sleeves of my t-shirt, trying to act normally although your scent is practically driving me crazy and putting my sense of smell in overdrive* What about you? *I smile a little* Can't sleep too?

Scott: *Oh, don't look at his muscles, DO NOT LOOK at his MUSCLES. Dammit.* Uh--No. *Hello, my name is Scott and my tongue refuses to work correctly. Help please.* I couldn't, uh, sleep. *I can't form a coherent sentence either. Stop looking at his muscles. My gaze moves upwards to your eyes and yep, that's a mistake too. I'm so fucked.* Couldn't sleep at all. Haven't been able to since -- *I cut myself off and shrug* Since... Well. You know.

Logan: *I notice your eyes roving over my arms, and I try not to smile as I nod at you. However, my resistance feels like it's about to crack when your eyes meet mine, and God, you're so fucking beautiful sometimes. I shake my head at that thought, thinking I'm really in big trouble now, it feels like I've moved beyond this physical shit and I'm starting to think about you in other ways* Since...yeah, I know. *I look a bit sheepish as I rub the back of my neck* I...um, think about it sometimes. Just...*I sigh* Scott, if this is putting you off or something, you got to tell me, man. Because I don't think I can take it if you start avoiding me and shit. *I look at you, trying to control the pain in my eyes, but it's no use, I know you can see it there.*

Scott: *How do I tell you that it puts me off but at the same time, draws me to you? It's not even something I understand and it is something that if I did try to explain to you, would make us both more confused I think.* I.. *My voice trails off at the look in your eyes. So much pain there and I hate that. There was a time that I might have gloated to see you in pain, but that time has long since passed. And right now, I don't want to see that look in your eyes, so I say the only thing that I think could really help.* I think we need to go somewhere... less public.

Logan: *I nod quietly, knowing that any of the kids - or worse, the Professor - might chance upon us here in the hallway anytime. I gesture towards my room, but I hesitate, not wanting you to think I'm going to trap you there or something.* You wanna go to my room? Unless you'd rather go somewhere else....*I grimace a little...since when did things get so awkward between us? It was better even when we detested each other, at least we knew where each other stood. Now, it's just....awkward. I frown a little, waiting to see if you agree to going to my room, or if you want to go elsewhere*

Scott: *I nod in return, and without waiting for you head to your room. It's close and people won't bother us there -- at least, I can hope not. I push the door open and I barely get two steps inside before my gaze falls on the bed. My breath catches in my throat and my back straightens as I'm reminded of the few times we spent in that bed. Either with your arms wrapped around me as I fell asleep, or, oh god, nude with my cock inside of you. A small shudder passes through my frame as I remember, and my cock hardens inside of my pants. I force myself to take a deep breath, willing the images away but every time I shut my eyes... I see them and the harder I try to will them away, the stronger they become* Fuck...

Logan: *I feel slightly relieved when you walk straight ahead to my room first, following closely behind you. As you step in, I close the door behind us and notice you standing still, staring at the bed with a strange look on your face. When you exclaim 'Fuck', I move towards you, gripping your arm in concern.* Hey, Four-Eyes, are you okay? I- *All of a sudden I can sense something else in your scent, and now I know what you're thinking of. I swallow thickly, still not letting go of your arm and taking in a deeper breath, letting your scent overwhelm me* Christ...*I let go of your arm, knowing we're supposed to talk and it won't do any good if we end up in bed again, as much as I would love to, and I sit down on the edge of the bed, looking up at you and smiling a little, beckoning you towards me* C'mon. Come over here.

Scott: *I shake my head. I am definitely not ok, but I'm not really sure what's wrong either. Part of me says that I'm not ok because I'm with you, and another part of me says that it's because I'm not with you. Fuck. This is so screwed up. But I follow you to the bed anyway and sit down beside you, trying so hard not to remember what little time I've spent on it with you. And a part of me mourns that it hasn't been more, but I try to drown that out. We need to talk. First.* I... I can't sleep Logan. I miss her. *I move my hands to my lap, my fingers interlocking as the words just start to pour out* I'm not gay. I've always liked girls, always and then you come along and... Yeah, I like you. I like being with you. And part of it me says that's it's just because I'm on the rebound from Jean and another part me isn't so sure. And I can't see you without remembering. Without wanting more. And it seems so wrong because Jean hasn't been gone for that long and here I am, wanting ... wanting to be with someone else again.

Logan: *I find it getting harder to breathe now as I listen to your words, not really understanding - or rather, wanting to understand - what you're saying. Up until now, the most painful thing I ever had to experience are those horrible dreams back at the lab, when they put the adamantium skeleton inside me. But now, this is a different kind of pain, and I can't even say a word, just stunned and speechless and....hurt beyond words. Fuck, what did I do to you? And what did I do to me, to us? I can't even speak, just staring at the floor and gripping the edge of the sheets, refusing to look at you and just forcing myself to take deep breaths. Fuck, I would never imagine this would hurt so much. I try to force myself to say something but I can't, just staring at the floor and gripping the edge of my bed*

Scott: *Risking a glance over to you, and fuck... You look awful. That or you look like you want to flee* Logan... I... *Fuck* I feel like I'm using you to forget about Jean and whatever differences we've had in the past, it's not right of me to do that. You... You don't deserve that. *I pause for a moment and look back at my fingers* Logan I want you, and it terrifies me. And what if... What if it could be more? Would I be ruining whatever possible future there is if I ... if I stayed here with you now? Would I be ruining it if I didn't? *I sigh and go silent. It's all there, all out in the open. All the things that have been running through my mind and tearing me apart, all the questions, the doubts, they're out now.*

Logan: *I stubbornly refuse to meet your gaze or even look at you, your previous words still burning in me, filling me with some kind of slow anger and confusion. A small part of my brain says that I need to listen to you, that you are probably just as confused as me and we need to work this out together. But at the same time, this hurt is feeling worse than ever and I swear I will never put anyone, including myself, through this. I stand up suddenly, just needing to be away from you as I walk to stand in front of my bookcase, deep in thought. My voice is low, but calm.* Look, you said you're not gay, and then you said you want me. I don't know what's going on. *I finally turn slightly, meeting your eyes and sighing* I'm not gay either. Or what the fuck ever. I'm confused too, because obviously it's gone beyond doing what feels good to....*I shrug resignedly* God knows what. I don't know. *I wonder if it would be suicide to acknowledge there IS a possible future between us, not when you already have the capacity to hurt me so much*

Scott: *It's almost painful when you walk away from me, but I can't stop myself from watching you or from watching the play of your muscles beneath your skin. Muscles and skin that I had beneath me once, that I kissed, that I touched, that comforted me and gave me warmth. It's in that moment that I realize I am well and truly fucked because I could walk out that door right now, and I would hurt even worse than I do now. But there is still the contradiction.* No, I'm not gay, but yes, I do want you. Maybe I'm bi, or whatever, though I don't think so because the only guy I'm really attracted to is you. *I shrug, not really understanding it myself* And it feels good... Just... *Sighs as I look down* Really good. It scares me how good it feels. *very quietly* How right it feels.

Logan: *This time your words give me a different feeling, they make me feel warm and safe and like I could knock down all my outer defences and just open myself to you, to let you be the first person to see who I really am. Jean had a glimpse, but I am willing to give you so much more than that...turning back, I walk to the bed and sit down beside you, wrapping my arms around you and pulling you closer to me, burying my nose in your hair and just losing myself in your scent.* Jesus....I don't know what's going on either. But you're right. It feels so right. What I -do- know....is that I want you, I need you...and I've never felt anything like this, not even with Jean. *I whisper into your hair, closing my eyes* You're the reason I can't sleep. Please don't....don't leave.

Scott: *When you pull me closer, I give up the pretenses and practically sit in your lap, letting your warmth flow into me and relax me.* I won't. But promise me that we'll figure this out, it doesn't have to be right now, but promise me that we will. Even if... Even if it's just accepting that... we have certain feelings towards one another, ok? *I rest my head on your shoulder, arms folding around your waist* I don't want to go through this again. It hurts too much. *laughs quietly* Who would have thought? Not spending anytime with Logan would make Scott hurt. *I give another low laugh and bury my face into your neck, inhaling your scent deeply* Christ... Logan...

Logan: *I nod, my cheek ruffling your hair as you rest your head on my shoulder, and it feels so good, so safe to have you in my arms again...it's like coming home.* Okay, I swear we'll figure this out someday. I promise. *I tighten my arms around you, my hand sliding up to slide into your hair, stroking it gently* When you- I mean, we...have all better accepted that Jean is gone, then we'll talk about this. But now...please, let me just hold you, okay? We're....not going to hurt each other. *I sigh as you nuzzle against my neck, thinking how the sound of my name on your lips sounds so right* Scott....been thinking about you for the past few days...weeks, Jesus...*I smile a little, pressing a kiss to your hair* Just stay here. With me.

Scott: *It seems so odd that you would say that -- hold me. But it seems.. right in it's own way. I guess you do do a lot of that for me.* Alright. But do you think it's possible that we could get some sleep? *I stifle a small yawn* I haven't been sleeping well and... *I finally feel relaxed enough to sleep.* You haven't been sleeping either. I'd like to... *I shrug a little, unsure of how to put this into words so I choose something safe* I'd like to actually sleep again. *And I hope that you get everything I'm not not saying.*

Logan: *I nod silently, taking your wrist and crawling up the bed, letting us settle under the covers. Now that you're here and that we actually agreed to acknowledge the...stuff going on between us and to try and work something out makes me feel....a lot better. Yes, like you said, I feel like I can finally sleep now. I spoon against you, nuzzling my nose in your hair as I drape an arm around your waist a bit possessively.* G'night, Four-Eyes. *I smile a little against the back of your neck as I pull the covers up around us even more and sigh, finally feeling all the sleep deprivation of the last few nights finally catch up on me as I close my eyes and drift off, feeling safe and secure with you in my arms, in my bed.*
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